Tending the Home

There was a time in early motherhood when I embraced the advice of others to not care so much about keeping the house clean while I cared for the more important needs of my young son.  Of course I couldn't get anything done when he was an infant with all the diaper changing, feeding, and laundry.  When he was a toddler I was running around after him and his messes and always fell behind!  And all this time, even through the preschool years, my son would demand most of my attention, for I was his very best playmate.  Well, he is 6 years old now, at an age where I'm not as fun to play with and there is no excuse for him not to help clean up more.  I can clearly see that his disregard for the messes he makes is a direct reflection on what he's seen me do.  I want him to take care of his things and for the house we live in, just as I have taught him how to take care of his body, heart, and mind.  I need to place more importance on cleaning our abode for it to become meaningful and a good habit for him.  Now how do I make this change and how do I involve my family?

1.  Adopt a cleaning calendar
There are several of these on Pinterest and certainly other bloggers have shared their suggestions.  Here's my schedule, which was inspired by Pig&dac.com

2.  Make cleaning manageable & fun

Simply having a cleaning schedule makes the process much more manageable.  And from there, tasks can be divided up between family members.  With dusting, a task I despise and gladly delegate, I can clear away clutter and my son can come along with a polish-coated rag to do the actual dusting.

Using essential oils in our cleaning solutions is a safer alternative than mainstream cleaning products.  It's also super fun for kids to pick out the oils to use (after giving them an appropriate panel to choose from) or let them mix the solutions that you've chosen.

This is also a great time to put on some great music and DANCE!  Get into it...


From Recipe-Prodigy.com


3.  Be mindful of how and where we place our things

There is a saying in the yoga community that how you do yoga is how you do everything.  If you rush from pose to pose, ignore important feedback that your body is giving you, vent negativity, and disregard the space of others in the room, there's a pretty good chance that you do the same in your everyday life outside the yoga studio.  We watch closely in our yoga practice and notice our habits without judgement so we can honestly see ALL without reacting.  Then we can make a conscious effort to change our habits, the way we approach our practice and everything else in our lives.  This housecleaning endeavor is becoming an extension of my yoga practice where I try to be mindful and treat everything I own as something precious that should be handled with care and respect.

This is how I found our kitchen towel hanging this morning:

Really?  I think we can take the time to fold the towel and put it back nicely, which leads to the final suggestion:

4.  Be a model for your family and be clear on how you'd like them to help take care of the house

It is obviously not important to my husband that the towels are hung nicely.  And he really doesn't care that the kitchen table is cluttered with mail.  He was always so supportive of me when I let the house devolve into a sty too!  Having a clean house really does matter to me though and seriously affects my mood when I'm in a cluttered space, especially if I feel like I'm the only one making the effort to keep the house picked up.  I need to constantly communicate how I'd like my family's help in maintaining order.  But I also need to make sure that I walk the walk.

When I come in the house, I hang up my keys, place my shoes in the closet, and hang up my purse.  If I start leaving my shoes out in the entry way, very soon there are ~ 10 pairs that have accumulated because I have implied that it's okay to do it.  It's fine every once in awhile, but then I end up being the one to put all the shoes away which causes even more needless emotional distress.  Let's just put away our own shoes, just the one pair we're wearing at the moment, in the closet.  Done.

~~~~~~~~

We are 3 weeks into our mindful house cleaning commitment and I love how it feels!  A friend could stop by at any moment and I wouldn't have to explain with embarrassment how our house is small and gets cluttered easily.  I don't need to scramble to the bathroom to make sure it's "presentable".  The three of us are much more happy being able to sprawl out in our spacious, clutter-free rooms.  A clean, organized home complements a clean, organized lifestyle and the effort to get there is certainly worth it.

Empathy for Our 3-Year-Old

Last summer my son befriended a girl at our local park who was one year older than him.  They played nicely together, so the mother and I exchanged contact information and met a few more times before school started back up.  One day, the mother was trying to leave the park and sweetly asked her daughter to put away her sand toys.  The girl paused and gave her mother a piercing cold look, then went back to playing.  The mom giggled softly and whispered to me, "This is what you can look forward to at 3 years old: the big middle finger."

I've been looking back on that moment a lot lately!  The beginning of parenthood was pure joy for me and passed quickly in a blur.  My son is a blessing, but my husband and I are finding that parenting is becoming more difficult as he gets older.  At 3 years old, he is dealing with a flurry of emotions as he explores his world more, is starting to separate from me a bit, and wants to have more control over his experience.

It's easy to fall back into my old reactive ways when he and I clash and I'm in a hurry or only thinking about MY needs.  Though I may not completely understand why my son is not going with the flow as he used to, I am determined to try and understand.  It's important to stop myself and see clearly how I'm feeling.  When it's anger and frustration, the seeds of rage, I must stop before losing my cool.  When I do go off and start yelling it can be scary for both of us, so I've learned to at least pause and let my emotions diffuse a bit before communicating my needs.

With a daily meditation practice, it is easier to achieve a clear frame of mind quickly.  Then I am able to shift my perspective and connect with my son on a deeper level.  Here's some questions I may ask myself next to reestablish our empathetic bond:

What is he doing right now and what may he be feeling?
How does he feel when I ask him to do something else?
How does it feel to be his size, with his communication skills and physical capabilities?
How does it feel to always have to comply with my wishes?
Does he feel heard?

The book "Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids" by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson has been very helpful in providing me with tools to reconnect with my son during tense moments and finding a middle-ground where both our needs are met.  This book is also my introduction to Non-violent Communication, which I find very intriguing and hope to learn more about.

Empathy is the key to building, then maintaining a close relationship with our children.  By fostering it, I am able to refrain from being too authoritarian, a parental position that I feel is not fair for my son and not aligned with my authentic nature.  Instead, I can remain the loving, respectful, and nurturing mother I always hope to be.  And most of the time, my son looks like this:

HAPPY!

Best Items & Resources for New Parents

My husband and I live a pretty simple life.  We dwell in a home less than 1000 sq.ft. (one that we can truly afford, so that I can stay home with my son), we have fuel efficient cars, and spend most of our money on good quality food.  Still, when my son came along we had to fight an inner urge to buy more, More, MORE!  Here is a very short list of the things and resources that I've found most helpful.

1. Ergo Baby Carrier

I've watched many parents lugging around their babies in infant car seat carriers.  The babies look uncomfortable with their heads jiggling around and the parent is straining to one side as they accommodate the carrier and what ever else they're trying to handle.  This never made sense to me.  A friend claims that her sleeping baby does not transfer well, so it's easier to just bring the car seat into the house, the store, or wherever. However, these car seats are not beds.  They are hard, plastic contraptions that are only necessary for one thing: protecting a child from car accident impact. Do you realize how many chemicals are in these things? Read here about toxicity of car seats as well as other baby gear/furniture.  We had one of these infant car seat/carriers and it stayed in the car.  If we were to have a second child, we would buy a convertible car seat right away and skip these horrible things.  Sorry for this rant, please read on for my alternate recommendation!

I chose to keep my baby close to me in a cloth wrap/baby carrier instead.  Strapped to me, I still had two free hands that could cook (only if you're careful!), clean, hike, shop, etc.  I never had a problem transferring my son from the car seat to the carrier because he preferred to be on me.  I'd bet most babies would choose a snugly parent over hard plastic.

We started out with the Moby wrap, which was lovely for my February baby until he was 4 months old.  Then he got big and the weather started getting warmer.  We bought the Ergo carrier after a friend suggested it.  Ah, it provided such great support for my back, with weaker abdominal muscles and all.  I wore him in the front carry position until he was around 10 mo. old.  In this position, I was able to nurse him on demand fairly discreetly.  Mild back muscle strain was the clue that he was ready to be switched around.  I've worn him in the back carry position ever since.

At 2 1/2, my son walks during short trips.  We use the stroller sometimes at the zoo & amusement park when he needs to rest.  But I still break out the Ergo when we want to do a nature walk with some elevation.  He walks as much as possible and then chills in the back pack.  I love the Ergo Baby!!!

2. Weelicious

We took the easy road with feeding our child.  My son exclusively breastfed until he was ~ 7 months old and then we started introducing whole foods.  First banana, then avocado, and we took off on a food-crazed adventure from there!  Of course we used jars of baby food from time to time, but it was rare - just packed in the diaper bag for impromptu snacks or when we were on vacation.

Still, breast milk was his main source of nutrition up until ~ 18 months.  At that point, he started to drop a few feedings, and meal times with whole foods became established.  (Note: he still nurses to this day, but only to induce sleep or for emotional connection.)  It was fun looking for new, exciting recipes.  I was especially interested in learning how to incorporate more vegetables into his diet and wanted to do it soon to fend off pickiness.  This is when I found the best food blog ever!  Weelicious!

Catherine McCord at Weelicious.com was my savior!  This site continues to be my #1 go-to resource for family meals.  With her help, my son enjoys a great variety of healthy foods.  Plus, she has fun video tutorials for certain dishes.  My son loves watching them, as they feature her kids helping out in the kitchen too!  Here are just some our favorite recipes:

• Broccoli, carrot, & cheese orzo
• Broccoli soup
• Beet pancakes
• Cheese wafers
• Honey roasted chickpeas
• Greek couscous
• Green ice pops
• Banana dog bites
• & many, many more!

I have pre-ordered her new book "Weelicious:140 Fast, Fresh, and Easy Recipes", coming out Sept. 18!  Most of the recipes in the book are NEW (not on the website.)  We're so excited!

3. Signing Time

We've read a lot about the damage TV can do to a developing mind.  It is NOT recommended for children under the age of 2.  So, we've tried to limit my son's exposure to it, but sadly, have not been able to omit it completely.  I'll be writing another post on this later.  Anyway, we bent our rules to include some educational videos.  We were involved with Baby Sign Language since our son was 11 months old.  He started signing around 13 months and his communication took off!  It was so helpful and we were so impressed, that we started to build a library of Signing Time videos.

I cannot recommend Signing Time enough!  Rachel Coleman, the host, has an incredible story that you should read more about here.  Her daughter Leah (who is deaf), Leah's cousin Alex, and their animated frog-friend Hopkins teach signs through catchy and pleasant songs.  My son still likes to watch the videos, even though he's forgotten most of the signs he knew a year ago.  They continue to be fun and interesting.  I think sign language helped him understand words and concepts very well before he started speaking.  I believe it is one of the reasons why he is so articulate for his age.

4. Melissa & Doug Toys

All toys are fun, but I am very, very picky about them!  I want them to be safe and spark my son's imagination.  I had many rules when our family asked us what to get our little boy:

• Please, no toys that require batteries and make noise!  Children are less imaginative since the toys are doing the "play work" for them.  And I don't need to tell you how the noise gets to a tired parent.  Grrr...
• We prefer wooden to plastic.  Wood has a nicer texture, smell, and does not contain polluting petrochemicals. 
• Non-toxic paints only (you'd think this was standard practice but it's amazing how lead contamination is constantly in the news - it must say "non-toxic paint on the package!)  
• Preferably made in the USA (as to avoid the previous point and support our economy)

Melissa and Doug toys meet most of my requirements.  These toys are made in China (at least the ones we have), but they have strict safety standards that I trust.

There are many USA made wooden toys out there, but they maybe hard to find.  Luckily, Melissa & Doug toys are available at just about every toy store in our town.

Our relatives do not roll their eyes at our requests, because they are just as into the play food, puzzles, trains, and other fun Melissa & Doug play things as we are.  And my son has been interested in and challenged by just about every item he's received.  These are keepers, perhaps for future generations!

Attached Mom, Detached Yogini

One day this summer, as many of us parents watched our children play in our health club toddler pool, I overheard a mother discussing her meditation teacher's advice.  "She told us that attachment is a cause of suffering and that we shouldn't be so attached to things and to other people," she commented.  Her friend gave her wide eyes and a nod.  But I was disconcerted as she seemed to be talking about her children and I really hoped that she wasn't taking this advice too literally.

Yes, in Patanjali's "Yoga Sutras", Attachment (raga) is one of the branches of Delusion (avidya) along with Aversion (dvesa), Ego (asmita), and Fear (abhinivesa).  Each alone may be responsible for us feeling separate from others in this world and for clouding our perceptions of ourselves.  As a result, we suffer.

And in Buddhist teachings, recognizing Attachment is central to it's teachings of the Four Noble Truths.  If you're not familiar with them, they are:

1) Suffering occurs
2) The cause of suffering is craving (also translated as desire or attachment)
3) It is possible to end our suffering
4) This resolution can be attained by following the Noble Eight Fold Path

I've studied both philosophies for many years and practice the tenets.  Most scholars would say that it's compulsive cravings and attachments to worldly items/materialism that is being described.  By fixating on something, we can become stuck in unhealthy patterns.  In T.K.V. Desikachar's "The Heart of Yoga: Developing a Personal Practice" he explains, "We want something today because it was pleasant yesterday, not because we really need it today...We want things we do not have.  What we do have is not enough and we want more of it.  We want to keep what we are asked to give away.  This is raga."

Of course we can also become delusional by forming unhealthy attachments to certain people. We can stay in a relationship that is not working because we think we are nothing without this person. Or we may hang out with someone not because they are friendly and cool, but because they represent a certain ideal that we are trying to attain.  Blind followers of cult leaders are extreme and obvious examples of how forming an inappropriate relationship can get out of hand.

So, the problem with Attachment from the Yogic & Buddhist perspectives is that we lose ourselves when we attach to this other thing.  The whole point of these practices is to experience the opposite - intimacy with our true selves.  This is an inner experience, not affected by what we experience on the outside.  Looking closely at our lives, mindful of the choices we have made, surely we can all point out something that we are fixed on that is distracting us from living in an authentic manner.  Then, it would make sense to practice Detachment in order reconnect to oneself.

The amount of appropriate Attachment can be confusing when considering our "normal" relationships.  Of course we want to be close our partner, child, family, & friends.  This is a basic human need.  As parents, we have great responsibility in being there for our children, modeling what we think they will need to develop into loving, functional human beings.

Yet at the same, we should also know that at some point in our lives, we will lose everyone and everything that we love.  No one wants to think about having an accident, getting sick, or dying.  But by simply keeping this in mind, acknowledging that life is short and precious, it can help someone maintain a healthy distance in relationships.  We can accept that our children will have their own lives (but we're still around for support!), our partners can continue to do what interests them (we don't necessarily need to share those interests), etc.  There is definitely a lot to be said about this subject and many yogis have gone there.

Now back to that summer day at the pool -
My inner alarm sounded in response to the mom at the pool because of the parenting choices I've made.  I've adopted a style that would fit the description of "Attachment Parenting" or "Natural Family Living."  My son is still breastfeeding strong at 2.5 yrs old, we co-sleep, I stay home with him during the day, and I have never, ever left him alone to cry in order to train him to sleep or force independence.  Many people think these practices are indulgent, but to me it feels completely natural.  My son is very confident, secure, engages adults, and I can even leave him in the play care at the gym because he knows I will be there in a heartbeat if he needs me (though he hasn't asked for me yet!)  We are very attached to each other and he is well-adjusted.  If I were to have another child, I wouldn't change a thing about my approach to mothering.

I realize now that I was concerned that this woman's meditation teacher's advice could be misconstrued.  Those criticizing "Attachment Parenting" could say that hey, even the yogis say that you can ignore your child, that mothers & fathers should put their needs first, and that maybe my style of parenting is wrong or would cause me to suffer.

Well, I know it's not any of my business how this mom relates to her child.  Many of my friends do not practice Attachment Parenting, and we get along just fine.  I think caregivers need to do whatever works best for everyone, as long as the child is safe.  Stop the mommy wars!  And I certainly can't control how critics of Attachment parenting use the ancient words of Patanjali.

I do know that practicing Attachment parenting, Yoga, & Buddhism are not conflicting endeavors.  I'm doing my very best to show that all are possible.  I actually think that they create a beautiful balance in motherhood.  I can be very loving to my son, yet see clearly how he exists on his own too.  We are deeply connected, but on our own journey.  It will be interesting to see how our relationship evolves as he becomes more independent.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this...

Raising a Sensitive Boy

When I dreamed of becoming a mother, I always imagined myself with two girls.  It's not that I preferred having girls, I just assumed there was some karmic payback sure to unload on me for being a very difficult teenager. My young mother could not control me, and my sister (only 13 months younger) and I fought constantly.  Surely, I was to have my Mom's same fate.

My Mom remarried and my brother came along when I was 15 years old.  He provided a lot of balance to our family.  We have always had a very special bond.  I was his big sister, his babysitter, his tutor, and chauffeur.  I am also close to my nephew (sister's son) who is now 11 years old.  So, I definitely know how to relate to boys.

Still, I was a little concerned when I saw my son's telling parts in the ultrasound.  I'M HAVING A BOY?!  REALLY?  My husband was so relieved!  But now we had to make the tough circumcision decision.  We argued a lot, but my husband finally conceded when I said, "Our son will come into this world as a perfect being.  Why would we need to surgically alter him?"  He could no longer say, "So he looks like me."  We decided to leave him intact, as nature intended.

I had my beautiful boy, he was happy, very attached to us, and very aware of the world.  I was STILL really concerned.  What exactly was I worried about?  My husband is wonderful, my brother and nephew are awesome despite having challenges in childhood.  But just about every other man on both sides of my family are very broken.  They are mean, macho, troubled, and more.  I do not have any models for how to raise boys well.  I have many models for what not to do.  And I feel that in many ways, boys need more nurturing than what many caregivers provide.  I needed help and started sifting through parenting books.

One of the best books I have come across is Alfie Kohn's "Unconditional Parenting."  The book is about discipline, but it is based on unconditional love.  So, I found that it addressed many questions I had about parenting in general, which I think should be based on unconditional love!

Kohn suggests that parents ask themselves what they want for their children long term and continually assess whether their approach to parenting supports this.  For example, you may want your child to be quiet and do as he/she is told right now, but is this really how you want your child to be as an adult?  Probably not.  Many parents would instead like their children to be expressive, have their own opinions, yet be respectful, etc.  So, our approach to parenting must value these characteristics in our children.  In this example, it would be more effective to listen well to our children, ask for their opinions, and treat them with respect.

I believe Kohn's suggestion is a fantastic approach to evaluating one's parenting skills, regardless of the child's sex. Doing this exercise helped me clarify what I wanted to model for my dear son.

I want him:

• To be loved and to give love freely
• To feel compassion for others
• To feel valued 
• To love his body, heart, and mind
• Go through life confidentially yet with self-awareness and humility
• To respect women 
• To embrace his softer, more "feminine" side
• To feel whole and not have to conceal his emotions in order to feel macho or fit in with any group
• To explore the world, without limits of what is appropriate for his sex & gender.

If this is what I want for my son, then this is what we should encourage.  It felt good to outline it.  Doing so made me feel more confident, immediately.  And I realized that it was the last three bullets that concerned me about raising boy.  If I were raising a girl, I'm not sure I would worry as much about her being able to express emotions, personal style, and fitting in socially.  I have experience with that as a girl and it would be easier to talk about and model for her.

Well, so far, I think we're doing pretty well.  My son has been sensitive from the beginning and is very demanding - in a good way.  He's very clear about what he wants and trusts that we will respond in a way that we feel is appropriate.  He is interested in everything from trucks to tea parties.  He actually has no idea that many boys are not interested in having tea.  When he does find this out, I really hope that he continues to do what he wants, regardless.  At least he will always have tea at home with me.  He is his Momma's boy and we are very, very proud of him.

Build Your Vocabulary and Resolve "Mommy Brain"

Before having my dear child, I would often hear other moms talk about "mommy brain", the decline of intelligence during pregnancy and beginning parenthood.  I never really believed it, especially when it was my easily distracted sister doing the complaining.

Fast-forward to now, 2.5 yrs into motherhood - I am definitely not as smart as I used to be. I have lazy speech, often not using complete sentences.  My vocabulary was never great, but now I need to pause often as I try to recall words. It's pretty bad.  Lack of sufficient sleep is probably the main cause of this decline, aided by the fact that I'm home with a toddler for most of the day.  Certainly getting more sleep and socializing with adults more could help retain my memory and intelligence. But at this point I feel like I need to learn more.  And I need to do something about this fast, or my toddler is going to pass me up with total word count!

I just happened onto this article from Good Magazine that made me feel hopeful:
http://www.good.is/post/back-to-school-boost-your-vocabulary-30daysofgood/?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pulsenews

This month, the magazine has a "back -to-school" theme and have committed to teaching readers something new every day. The above article focuses on vocabulary and features a few websites that can help build it. I signed up for "word of the day" at the following:

http://wordsmith.org/awad/index.html

Already, I have found this to be a salutary tool for making me smarter. I have learned a new word (salutary was yesterday's word) and look forward to learning more. Patience, dear readers. I am not the best writer either, but I really enjoy it.  Hopefully this vocabulary tool with help me relay information in a more interesting manner!

Transitions for Toddlers

One of the things I admire the most about my dear son is his ability to become completely immersed in his activities.  Whether it be trains, painting, role playing or even his early morning nursing sessions, he loves what he does and expects us to be fully present as well.  We adults try to reclaim this ability to focus in our jobs and schooling.  And many of us attempt to become more aware in the moment by training through meditation.  Ahhhh, to be a child again, experiencing everything in this world with intense wonder!

Of course this one-pointed awareness has it's issues, at least with a toddler.  He does not like to get his diaper changed because it means he needs to stop what he's doing.  I can't talk about breakfast when he's nursing in the morning because all he can think about is momma's milk and he get's upset if he thinks I'll take it away.  And he's definitely not a child that can be whisked away from errand to errand in the car.  We have learned to adapt and to plan carefully around this tender being.

So, when we HAVE to do something, like that dreaded diaper change or going to an appointment, here are a few things that help our family.  Basically, we try to make ALL activities fun and interesting.

• We outline the day and tell our son about it in small blocks of time.  It is overwhelming for him, I am sure, when I tell him everything we will do in the day.  Time for children is more circular, not linear as we adults experience it.  So, they will not keep track of what is coming next.  After we finish an activity I usually say something like, "That was fun!  Now it's time for us to do ___ ."  
• We try to stay calm and cheerful.  My son picks up on anxious behavior and become anxious as well.  Does your child do the same?
• Sing, sing a song.  Sing out loud!  Sing out strong!  I am the world's best singer in my child's eyes & ears, though I can barely carry a tune.  He learns best from songs and rhymes and these are welcome distractions when getting dressed or changing diapers.  
• Other distractions - toys, books, stories we make up ourselves.
• We "fly" to the car.  This only works if we are able to carry him, of course.
• My husband has found his calling as "Dr. Daddy, DDS."  He creates a scene in the bathroom where my son sits in the dental chair (toilet) and asks him about his day, what he just ate, comments on his teeth, etc.  My son LOVES getting his teeth brushed by Dad.  He has had cleanings at a dental office already, so can relate to this experience and it's fun for him.
• WE LET OUR CHILD FEEL VALUED BY HELPING OUT.  THIS IS SO HUGE THAT  I'M TYPING IT ALL IN CAPS!  HA HA!  I'M ALWAYS SPECIFIC IN HOW MY SON CAN HELP ME OUT.  I POINT OUT WHEN HE'S NOT BEING HELPFUL AND WHAT HE CAN DO INSTEAD.  Transitions to mealtimes used to be hard for us until I started recruiting my son's help in the kitchen.  He doesn't have to prepare the whole meal.  Just giving him one important thing to do makes him glow with pride.
• We try not to over-schedule.  We usually don't go out in the car more than once a day.  It is not necessary for us.  We only shop at one grocery store and do that twice a week.  We usually have plenty of time for meals and rest.  For the most part, our life is simple and we are relaxed and happy.

Certainly a child must learn that our needs are equally as important and learning to be patient is an important skill.  However, in our family, it does not work to yell and force our child to be accommodating.  When I have become angry, I calm down, apologize, and explain my needs.  When this happens, he does seem to yield more, but I think the apology and seeing the pain and desperation in my eyes is what gets to him - definitely not the anger.  

I imagine this gets easier with age & maturity.  For now, we are joined at the heart, not so much in our minds since his is still developing.  If we relate to our children from the heart and try to treat every situation, even the dull and regular, as something wonderful, then that is what they will experience.